One of the things that helps soothe my very much ADHD brain from endless daydreaming are podcasts. One of my favorite podcasts is A Bit of Optimism by Simon Sinek and a few months back he posted a conversation between Adam Grant, Brene Brown and himself. I really enjoyed hearing these individuals talk about a vast array of human behavior, but one such topic really caught my eye... or should I say ear.
How do we engage our kiddos to be committed to their values as opposed to be compliant with ours?
As a bonus parent myself, I have definitely had my own battles of how do I teach the values I hold dear and get them to mean something to my son? How do I help support these values for my clients? Am I myself committed or compliant?
In the hustle and bustle of parenting, it's easy to focus on getting our kids to comply with rules and instructions. After all, life runs smoother when they do what they're told, right? But there’s a deeper goal in child-rearing that goes beyond compliance: fostering commitment. Even for us adults, how can we ensure that we are living within our own values and lead by example? This really got me to think.
**Compliance vs. Commitment**
Compliance is about following the rules, often driven by the desire to avoid consequences. It's important, of course, for safety and order. However, commitment comes from within. It's when a child understands the value behind a rule or action and chooses to engage because they believe in it, not just because they’re told to. This can even be seen in many of our adult relationships. How do our partners or others see and understand the values we hold dear and do they just accept what they are told or further as questions to truly understand our ask?
**Why Commitment Matters**
When children are committed, they’re more likely to stick with positive behaviors even when no one is watching. They develop a sense of responsibility and internal motivation that guides their decisions and actions throughout life. This kind of intrinsic motivation is crucial for personal growth, resilience, and long-term success. A study that was brought up on the podcast, I believe by Adam Grant was one that was done after World War II on Christians who decided to help rescue and support those being persecuted and Christian counterparts that chose to be bystanders. What the study found, was that those who were raised in a punitive, consequence-driven household were more likely to comply with things outside of their values. Those who were raised with explanation and understanding, were able to commit to their values and further connect with empathy regardless if it challenged the status quo. So, how can we help encourage commitment?
**Promoting Commitment in Your Child**
1. **Explain the “Why”**: Help your child understand the reasons behind rules and decisions. Instead of just saying, "Because I said so," explain how their actions impact themselves and others.
2. **Encourage Involvement**: Let your child have a say in decisions that affect them. When they feel involved, they’re more likely to take ownership of their actions. (Age appropriate autonomy is absolutely vital,)
3. **Model the Behavior**: Children learn by example. People learn by example. Show them commitment in your actions—whether it's sticking to a family routine, following through on promises, or handling responsibilities with care.
4. **Praise Effort, Not Just Results**: Focus on the effort and intention behind your child’s actions, not just the outcome. This reinforces the value of commitment and perseverance.
5. **Teach Problem-Solving**: Encourage your child to think critically about challenges and come up with solutions. This helps them develop a sense of responsibility and commitment to finding the best outcome.
By fostering commitment rather than just seeking compliance, we raise children who are motivated by their own values and understanding. They become individuals who not only follow the rules but also understand and believe in them, leading to more thoughtful, responsible, and empowered adults.
I honestly believe that taking a value inventory even with us, adults, could benefit as well. Are we in alignment with our expectations? Are we modeling the behaviors we are trying to instill? I have found that this self-reflection is not just great for my relationship with my son, but it also helps with my relationship with my partner, friends, clients, acquaintances etc.
As always- take what you need and leave what you dont and good luck as we navigate all the things in this crazy world.
Small steps make brave changes.
Sincerely,
L-A